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December 23, 2005
Butch V. Tommy - Holiday Bowls, Week 2
Is it Week Two already? Time sure does fly when you are drinking nog [sponsored by Southern Comfort] and the bowl games are multiplying like rabbits. It is a motley assortment of bowl games this week and if you think this week is bad, just wait until next week when the real indifference of the Meineke Car Care Bowl hits the fan. But this week, there is the fun of bowl game sponsorship that calls itself Insight, Champs Sports and MPC Computers. At least in the Emerald Bowl's case, they had the good idea of dropping the rest of the product name and being left with a name that sounds like a bowl a team might want to be in - who wants to be in a bowl game with blue turf that is reminiscent of a computer virus? But we digress. No matter what the name of the bowl is, Tommy is just as predictable and we can see he is up to his old fruitcake-like tricks - at least he is consistent, even in the festive holiday season. Butch received some bad avarice and advice from his Chuck Woolery-shaped ornamental cacti oracle. See, that's why Wink starts and you don't, Chuck! So Butch is moving the cushy cacti consulting gig to Bert Convy this week, because he seems capable of handling that extra game on the schedule. Next week - Butch pulls out the big guns - Alex Trebek and Bob Barker - and Tommy will be in some serious trouble. Let's see what nog-induced haze the boys find themselves trapped in for the second week of the holiday bowl game season...
Tommy: The good times continue to roll during bowl season. Tommy's really impressed with the amount of meaningless and utterly uninspiring match-ups that the NCAA can pump out in less than a month. Is it January 4th yet?
Butch: Gee, Tommy, after those slim pickin's after the first week of the holiday bowl game season - these are what you call good times? You must be in that stage of depression the psychiatrists call the New York City transit system. Another ladle of nog?
Motor City Bowl
Akron v. Memphis (-5)
Tommy: Here's what I mean when I say meaningless. Could there be a game that is less compelling? These are the types of games that you MUST bet on, so that there is actually a reason to watch instead of helping your kids put Christmas toys together. Memphis has the great DeAngelo Williams, and Akron has lost to Army and Ball State. I'll go with the Tigers. I'm Bored-31, Who Cares-20.
Butch: Butch saw the type of competition that Memphis had to deal with in the GMAC "Daddy" Bowl and it was like one of those bad Elvises ["Elvii"?] he sees in Vegas from time to time when he can focus. To say he was unimpressed would be putting it in a pair of concrete boots and tossing it into Lake Erie. The C-USA might go 0-for-the holidays or Memphis might barely win this game - either way, Butch is taking Akron to cover.
Rutgers v. Arizona State (-10.5)
Tommy: Finally, a big game. The Sun Devils came up just short of the BCS, but this is almost as good. They'll be facing a Rutgers team than ran roughshod through the Big East, only losing to national powers like South Florida and Illinois. Guess what? ASU's defense still isn't good enough to stop even the Knights. Koetter's boys win, but don't cover. Scum Devils-41, New Jersey's Finest-34.
Butch: Look, all that really needs to be said here is that Rutgers lost to Illinois. Really now, does anything further have to be uttered out of Bert's lips? Butch takes ASU to win and cover.
Champs Sports Bowl
Colorado v. Clemson (-10.5)
Tommy: The Buffs sucked with Joel Klatt and Gary Barnett. What are they going to do without them? I guess Tommy Bowden is never going to get fired. My Daddy Would Whup Your Daddy-41, DOA-17.
Butch: The line on this game has been moving faster than for the Tiki Hut at Disneyland. Well, that line is more like a blob, really, which is what this game is like - a big holiday blob of goo stuck in you abdomen until it comes time to fire it out of the intestine. What better testimonial [direct from the Gary Barnett School of Etiquette] for the college bowl game system than to say to a school - "Sure, you can lose a game by 67 points and we'd love to pay a six-digit figure to have your corrupt athletic program, your crappy team representing your crappy conference and all 22 of your fans!" Butch takes Clemson to eat some holiday bran muffins and clean out their systems by winning and covering.
Nebraska v. Michigan (-11.5)
Tommy: Sure, the Wolverines underachieved this year, but not enough for the Huskers to give them a game. If UM can beat Penn State, play tight with ND and OSU, and whip Northwestern, what are they going to do to sorry NU? We Stink, But Not As Bad As The Huskers-34, I'll Tell The World That I Don't Have Enough Talent-13.
Butch: It just breaks Butch's heart to see these two former college football powerhouses relegated to the wasteland of Texas in December. Butch gets the big box of crayons out to write a letter of fake remorse and chooses Big Blue over Big Red.
MPC Computers Bowl
Boise State v. Boston College (-1.5)
Tommy: All the Eagles do is win bowl games, and even though the Broncos are at home, methinks that they will struggle under the emotion wait of losing their coach. We Own Mid To Lower Tier Bowl Games-28, Left At The Altar Again-21.
Butch: Boise gets to be in their own bowl again and usually that means two things - nobody cares and they win and nobody cares. This year, it means a third thing - they will lose and nobody cares [hmmm .a developing theme]. Butch takes BC to win and cover.
Utah v. Georgia Tech (-8)
Tommy: Like I said before the season, it's all fun 'n games until you don't have Urban Meyer and Alex Smith any more. I'll go with the team that beat Auburn and Miami over the one that BYU and Arizona. Is Reggie Ball A Senior Yet-21, We Miss You, Urban-7.
Butch: Utah is lucky the USA still lets them be a state and hasn't held a vote and kicked them out of the union yet, much less having a college football team in a bowl game. After taking one look at that schedule, Georgia Tech will make a ramblin' wreck of the Utes. Butch takes Tech to win and cover.
Oklahoma v. Oregon (-3)
Tommy: Football is a pretty simple game. Generally the team that runs the ball and stops the run better wins the game. The Sooners do both better than the Ducks. Uh-oh. As Low As OU Stoops-28, Time For Pac-10 Jeers-24.
Butch: Is that all there is to it, Tommy? Well then, let's get Navy and Ohio State in the national championship game [Quick! Before the BCS Taliban isn't looking!]. Butch takes Oregon to win and cover because it's simple - they will score more points than Oklahoma [P.S. Tommy, they will pass the ball].
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