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December 27, 2005

The Telepathic Tabernacle Holiday Version - Week 3

The nog will not wear off until next week but that is why they play the games. To the callow college football well-wisher, this can be overwhelming, but to the TeleTab, this is the money week of the sport - 15 bowl games over the next 10 days and barely enough time to re-stock the nog vat. Never fear, there is always more where that came from - nog and college bowl games are not currently scheduled to become extinct. The Tab begins with the relatively inconsequential Music City Bowl and ends with the supposedly consequential Rose Bowl - although how consequential in the big picture, we will never know. Onward toward 2006 with a 15-bowl lineup! Welcome to Week Three of the Tab's 2005 Holiday Bowl Game Extravaganza.

Music City Bowl

Minnesota v. Virginia

Line: Minnesota by 3

Straight Up - Minnesota

Against The Spread - Minnesota

Tab Sez: The Golden Gophers had a good track record in recent bowl games under Glen Mason and the Wahoos will need to prove they have some justification for that nickname before Minnesota runs and runs and runs the ball over them and down their nostrils.

Sun Bowl

Northwestern v. UCLA

Line: UCLA by 3

Straight Up - UCLA

Against The Spread - UCLA

Tab Sez: The Bruins will try to keep the Pac-10 undefeated in bowl games and let's all hope they put forth a better effort than their team did last year and their fans did this year with the bowl game ticket allotment - can't blame it all on Justin Medlock and El Paso.

Independence Bowl

Missouri v. South Carolina

Line: South Carolina by 4

Straight Up - South Carolina

Against The Spread - South Carolina

Tab Sez: You better not pout, you better not cry, the Tab is tellin' you why - because we are not impressed with Missouri and their entire Big 12 conference and Santa is certainly not comin' to town for them. South Carolina will Spurrier-ize Mizzou.

Peach Bowl

Louisiana State v. Miami

Line: Miami by 4.5

Straight Up - Miami

Against The Spread - Miami

Tab Sez: LSU was on their way to the Sugar Bowl until they stopped for a last minute bite to eat in Georgia and suddenly required the Heimlich Maneuver. Now they will suffer painful peachy flashbacks and Miami's jerseys.

Holiday Fruitcake "Meineke Car Care Grease Monkey" Bowl

North Carolina State v. South Florida

Line: NC State by 4.5

Straight Up - NC State

Against The Spread - NC State

Tab Sez: The Tab is not in the habit of substituting for spurious Santa Clauses, but North Carolina State and South Florida should be thanking Santa for this X-mas gift of a bowl and subsequent extension of the season for them. Otherwise, how in the world could either of these teams have talked their way into a bowl? Our puzzlers were sore even trying to think of that.

Liberty Bowl

Fresno State v. Tulsa

Line: Fresno State by 7

Straight Up - Fresno State

Against The Spread - Tulsa

Tab Sez: Give the Tab liberty or give us death - preferably death, if it means we have to watch this. What a hunk of junk this bowl is. Probably the only redeeming qualities are that it is New Year's Eve and nothing else is on [but 28 flippin' bowl games are on - no matter how meaningless they are].

Houston Bowl

Iowa State v. TCU

Line: TCU by 4

Straight Up - TCU

Against The Spread - Iowa State

Tab Sez: Finally! The first bowl game we remotely care about. Ha ha, just a little bowl game humor there to break up the monotony.

Outback "Bruce" Bowl

Florida v. Iowa

Line: Florida by 3

Straight Up - Iowa

Against The Spread - Iowa

Tab Sez: The rematch of the 2003 Outback Bowl that the BCS Taliban intern set up. Iowa performs well in bowl games under Kirk Ferentz.

Cotton Bowl

Alabama v. Texas Tech

Line: Texas Tech by 3.5

Straight Up - Texas Tech

Against The Spread - Alabama

Tab Sez: Our inner Tab child says to take Tech. Well, actually, it says it wanted a remote control fireboat for X-mas but we're telling it he is getting no such thing because those babies cost too much. Then our inner child proceeds to throw a temper tantrum. So we said, fine, either you get Alabama on the ATS and be happy with it or you get a lump of coal. The Tab takes 'Bama to cover.

Gator Bowl

Louisville v. Virginia Tech

Line: Virginia Tech by 7

Straight Up - Virginia Tech

Against The Spread - Virginia Tech

Tab Sez: Here's the deal on Louisville - they only got one Elvis and he's not velvet. After that, it's all Virginia Tech.

Citrus "Capital One" Bowl

Auburn v. Wisconsin

Line: Auburn by 10.5

Straight Up - Auburn

Against The Spread - Auburn

Tab Sez: Now let's get this straight - the Tab likes cheese just as much as if not more than the next guy - but this is asking a lot. Wisconsin hasn't won a bowl game in awhile - and Auburn beat them in 2003 Music City Bowl, which some of these players were in. It's just too much for mere cheese alone to overcome.

Fiesta Bowl

Notre Dame v. Ohio State

Line: Ohio State by 3.5

Straight Up - Ohio State

Against The Spread - Ohio State

Tab Sez: A dream match-up with a made-for-Hollywood script! Bad guy versus badder guy. Evil v. more evil. Fruitcake v. fruitcake with extra fruit. To quote Flounder from Animal House "Oh boy, this is going to be great!" or "I can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer." [Whichever works best.]

Sugar Bowl

Georgia v. West Virginia

Line: Georgia by 7

Straight Up - Georgia

Against The Spread - Georgia

Tab Sez: This bowl game will answer the question once and for all- "Does West Virginia have any business being in this bowl game?" The answer will be aptly provided by Georgia.

Orange Bowl

Florida State v. Penn State

Line: Penn State by 7.5

Straight Up - Penn State

Against The Spread - Penn State

Tab Sez: The Old Geezer Bowl is a scintillating match-up between a heavy favorite and a home-based upset waiting to happen. It won't happen.

Rose Bowl

Texas v. USC

Line: USC by 6.5

Straight Up - USC

Against The Spread - USC

Tab Sez: The Tab could go into some long, detailed explanation as to why this game is going to be a USC win and cover - but we did that last year and given the results, was it really necessary? USC wins, covers, keeps the Pac-10 undefeated and takes home their third consecutive national championship trophy.


New York City Transit Bowl

Central Michigan v. Western Michigan

Line: No line - there is a strike against too many Michigan teams in bowl games.

Straight Up - Canada

Against The Spread - Lake Erie

Tab Sez: Winner gets to take credit for Northwestern, Southeastern, Northeastern and Southwestern Michigan while also assuming creative control over any other directional school originating in the state of Michigan that has yet to be discovered within Earth's gravitational pull.

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