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September 13, 2006
Butch v. Tommy - Week Three
Last week, poor deluded Tommy tried to give Butch his usual diatribe about why his Pac-10 picks were so bad. They ranged from a sale at Abercrombie & Fitch to checking out babes in the produce section of the supermarket to bad cabbage, In other words, the usual suspects. Butch pleaded with Tommy to play ball to keep the readers' interest up, but Tommy inexplicably ignored all the San Jose State warning signs, thought Rice would stick to the pan like last year and clung stubbornly to his Arizona security blankey [a sequel from last year]. Alas, all to no avail, and so Butch crushed Tommy once again to open up a commanding lead in the games that matter - the Pac-10. The good news is that, thanks to a last minute Oregon trick play, Tommy was able to sneak past .500 and is no longer mumbling to himself in the corner. This week's razzles and dazzles
Tommy: Well, the Pac-10 is truly embarrassing itself. In Tommy's opinion, the only team besides SC that shouldn't be derided is Oregon. Any win in Fresno is a good one, especially when you cover when Tommy picks you. Well, Tommy's gathered enough information about how the conference stinks. Time to lock and load.
Butch: Tommy did not pick the Pac-10 correctly the first two weeks so now it is the conference's fault. Nobody will see through that in a million years. Who is that behind the curtain - the Great and Powerful Tommy?
Baylor v. WSU (-13.5)
Tommy: The Bears don't see a lot of good passing offense in the Big 12, and when they do, Texas Tech is killing them. Butch's Cougs roll. Who Needs Erickson-33, Proverbially Bad-13.
Butch: Hey, Tommy, didn't you hear? Baylor is 12-10 against the crappy Pac-10 and their defensive backs are so confident they're gonna win, they're already taunting that no-talent Jason Hill. Sounds like one o' them thar omens - Butch takes the Cougars to win and cover.
Oklahoma at Oregon (-4)
Tommy: Like Tommy said, the Ducks have been impressive this season, and this week's opponent has not. When Washington runs through you like a hot knife through butter, you know you've got problems. Sooner fans, feast your eyes on a more balanced offense, a better defense, and a more hostile environment than you're used to. This is as close to a lock as it gets. Too Bad Your Tough Conference Games Are On The Road-30, If You Need A Car Or Truck Go See Rhett-13..
Butch: The Booing Bomars don't like to come out West - the last time they got sand in their shorts and lost to UCLA to begin the Gripes of Wrath. Plus, you know, there are no really good automotive deals out here like they have back in Oklahoma. Bad news then for the Bomars. When non-conference BCS schools come to Eugene - and they are not really scary ones like Indiana - the Nikes generally take care of business, to the tune of 3-1 over the past four years under Bellotti. Butch takes the Nikes to win and cover.
Fresno State (-3.5) at Washington
Tommy: The Pups actually looked good for a half against the mighty Sooners, only to Dawg it in the second half after blowing a golden opportunity deep in OU territory. Prepare for the let down. We Love Barely Losing To The Ducks-31, YAY, We Looked Like A 1A Team For A Half-24.
Butch: Fresno State is 4-6 on the road against BCS schools under Pat Hill in the last five years - four of those losses came to ranked teams. Washington is a rank team - not the same thing. Butch takes the FSU Mustaches to win and cover.
Arizona State (-10) at Colorado
Tommy: Boy, I think the wheels would fall off if the desert people lost to a team that got beat by Montana State and CSU. Not to worry, kids. The Pac-10 is bad, but it's not that bad. Besides, the Devils need to finish their customary impressive non-conference season so that they begin their customary disappointing crash early in conference play. We OWN Mediocre BCS Conference teams-31, Shoulda Brought That Blue Turf With Me-14.
Butch: Arizona State brings that sparkling non-conference road record [3-2 SU, 2-3 ATS in the last five years] under Koetter to Boulder. Sure. Colorado is reeling - perhaps a female kicker would help? - but ASU is as good as a Paris Hilton CD. Butch is frightened but closes his eyes and takes the Sun Devils to win and cover.
Nebraska at USC (-18)
Tommy: The Huskers are back! Just ask their fans. Forget the fact that they're 3-6 on the road against Callahan, and that Nebraska was actually good the last time SC lost at home. They're going to be lots of Husker fans at the game, but that only means that more fans than usual will be scratching their heads and wondering how their team got blown out. Pac-10 Kings-49, Our Fans Travel Great But The Team Doesn't-13.
Butch: Pete Carroll coming off a bye? Against Nebraska? This one is such a no-brainer that Butch doesn't even need to think about it and can go back to killing his brain cells with martinis. Butch takes Tommy's boys of Troy to win and cover.
Navy at Stanford (-3)
Tommy: Sure, coming home will save the worst rush defense team in America against the fourth best rush offense. Right. The new stadium will solve all of the Trees' problems. Who needs Norm Chow? We've got the great Walt Harris. Standing Up To Our Countries Greatest Enemies-28, Cowering In Fear In The Face Of...San Jose State?-24.
Butch: Last week for the Trees, this week against them, Tommy? You can't have it both ways unless you're Butch and you know how to pick Pac-10 games. Butch takes the Trees [and the new stadium] to win and cover.
Tommy's Non-Conference Noogies
Michigan at Notre Dame (-7)
Tommy: Wolverines vs. Irish+South Bend+any two coaches+any players=Irish win=bad Michigan offense. America's Sweethearts-30, FIRE LLOYD CARR-18.
Butch: Two bloated, full-of-themselves universities playing each other. Butch picks them both to lose - because the civilized world already has. Think of it as your early X-mas gift, Tommy [well, along with that Arkansas gift].
Florida (-3.5) at Tennessee
Tommy: The Vols came back to reality last week. The reality is that not everyone is as bad as Cal. Florida surely isn't. The Gators are for real, and the Vols haven't beat Florida at home since their national title year. They didn't even beat Zook at home! WOW! We Own Knoxville-24, Zook Owns Us-17.
Butch: Sure, that sounds about right. What is this, an SEC game? Isn't that a video game conference? Do they still go to school down there? Volunteers was a good movie but Butch doesn't know about the football team and takes Florida to win and cover.
LSU at Auburn (-3.5)
Tommy: The oddsmakers have it all wrong. If you want to get equal money on both teams, you make the line three. The last two games were decided by 3 and 1. Just on that alone, Tommy takes the Tigers to cover. People's Champ-13, Beating Arizona Proves Nothing-10.
Butch: Remember that LSU-bashing you were doing last week, Tommy? Well, you were one week off. Butch thinks the Bengals will be busy watching for fake punts [Butch knows he is] and takes the War Tiger Eagles to win and cover.
Last Week: 5-3-1
Noogies Overall: 3-3
Last Week: 7-1-1
Noogies Overall: 2-4
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