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August 31, 2008
The Cougar Lounge - Rocks For Jocks
"He's a real geologist."
- Fox Sports commentator and former USC running back Petros Papadakis, trying - we think - to compliment Oregon QB Justin Roper, on being a geographer because he came from Georgia to play for the Ducks, and instead just wound up showing that Fox Sports does not bother screening applicants for their college football announcing positions.
"They can't do that! That's b---t!" [slang word describing bovine excrement]
- Oklahoma State assistant coach after Wazzu QB Gary Rogers scored on a QB sneak when the Cowboys were trying to shuttle in their goal-line defensive unit - going ballistic with a potty mouth because the Cougars had the atrocious manners not to wait until the Cowboys got their subs in.
"I'm not going back to the weight room, I'll tell ya that right now."
- Arizona State receiver Nate Kimbrough who suffered a facial injury last month after a teammate accidentally struck him with a dumbbell. Kimbrough only caught two passes for a whopping 19 yards in the Sun Devils' season opener against Division I-AA [now FCS] Northern Arizona - ya sure you don't want to re-think that strategy, Nate?
"I was in the laundry and standing right next to Nadal. I didn't bother him but he was shoving all his colors and whites in together. I really wanted to say, 'Dude, you're going to have a nightmare with that. You can't just put the whole bag in - there are reds in with the whites!' But what can you do?"
- British cycling gold medalist, Bradley Wiggins, refraining from laundry critique of his fellow Olympian, Spanish tennis star Rafael Nadal, while the pair were in the athletes village at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, China.
"I went to the cottage, knocked back a half bottle of Scotch and listened to them."
- Canadian folk music artist, Murray McLauchlan, explaining the correct method of selecting songs when you have to pick the best ones for your "Best Of" compilation.
Let us talk about beer. The outcome of the recent Cougar football game against Oklahoma State rendered many members of the Lounge clientele unfit for the type of aristocratic society in which they are used to hobnobbing. First, there were the dropped passes, then there was the special teams' play and then there was no, wait, before we get to all that, we promised we would talk about beer and will you lookie here - so do the college presidents! Well whaddya know about that. Oops, it seems they only want to talk about it to possibly lower the drinking age or get the NCAA to stop beer ads on college sports and college fantasy leagues. Some college presidents [who are not related to the real president of the United States, as far as we know] citing research studies, figure that by lowering the drinking age, they will be able to change the culture of clandestine binge drinking before people get to college. All the Lounge knows is that poor college football play encourages drinking. That's what our research studies have clearly shown.
Meanwhile, the presidents - who have been a very busy lot this summer - figuring they don't want college students to be reminded about enjoying themselves whilst at college, would like the NCAA to stop beer ads on college sports programs and in college fantasy leagues online now that it is okay for the leagues to use names and stats. But it's really the same thing - no defense by your fantasy team will just cause the team owner to drink more. We also know this from our extensive research studies on the topic.
It's just a good thing Donald Trump didn't have to buy Ed McMahon's house because that would have surely meant some real estate reality show would have been popping up next year - and look - didn't we get enough gobbledygook entertainment coverage during the Olympics whenever gymnastics were on? The correct answer is: Yes. Yes we did.
What we would like to see more coverage of is the airport security procedures at Oakland International Airport. Seems as though they clearly are working with a different rulebook than everyone else and wouldn't that make more entertaining television than whether or not The Donald buy's Ed's house? Of course, it would.
We would however, settle, for a little fermented grape subterfuge in lieu of an actual story of surprise. A wine magazine awarding fictitious restaurants just to get advertising bucks? Shocking. But Stanford football fans being offered full refunds if they are not "entertained" this fall by the football team? Now that will cause somebody to drink in the Bay Area.
"I don't understand - does Brandon Gibson not like Gary Rogers?" asks a thoroughly perplexed Counterfeit Bill after Gibson dropped two passes in the season opening loss to Oklahoma State.
No, of course not, Bill. Brandon was just a little rusty in the season opener. The consensus of the Lounge clientele - who are now sober but still unfit for aristocracy - is that Gibson and Rogers will both have better days this weekend against California [which would be timely, since it is the first conference game of the year for the Cougars]. If you really want to try and figure out if somebody did not like somebody else, it would have to be game referee Jack Wood who must have had something against Cougar defensive back Devin Giles when Giles was hit with an illegal block in the back out in open field directly in front of Wood and no flag emerged from Wood's pants. It is possible that Wood is a visiting scholar in from the Papadakis School of Geology.
"Well, is there something else that can take my mind off football this week?" asks Norman S. Fairweather.
Sure, Norm, there is the volleyball team and soccer team - both undefeated after their first contests. The volleyball team is a perfect three-for-three after sweeping Cal State-Northridge, Seattle University and Boise State last weekend and the soccer team is undefeated after two hard-fought double-overtime ties against Jim, Bill & Mary [that's James Madison and William & Mary] - two schools who were NCAA tourney participants last year. It's a good start for the volleyball team and even though it is not the wins they were hoping for to get them undisputed NCAA post-season recognition, it is a pair of solid results for the soccer team.
If that doesn't work, then try Cute Overload - and don't say we didn't warn you, because we didn't.
Finally, the Lounge Scientists have found new ways to grow hair and that is not just the hair of the dog that bit you. Seems those Stanford researchers while they are awaiting their possible refunds, were busy pinpointing molecules that hair follicle growth in lab mice.
"Loss of hair is not going to kill anybody," says Lounge Scientist #511, Peter Marinkovich, a researcher at the Farm, who reputedly, is unsure if a college football team's lack of defense will kill anybody.
In unrelated news, hair follicles are not necessary for viewing beer ads on television..
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