There's zero chance - nada, zilch and yes, zip - that Akron will beat Michigan in Ann Arbor Saturday. In fact, there's a better chance that disgraced former Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel will teach a class on coaching principles or - better yet - be mentioned as a candidate for President of an Ohio university.
Okay - bad example. Tressel is currently teaching a class on coaching principles at Akron, a vice president for student success (insert tattoo/gold pant fire sale joke here). True story. And current President Luis Proenza only hopes Tressel doesn't fire him and take power before Proenza's scheduled June 2014 retirement date.
"I wouldn't be surprised if he might be considered," Proenza told the Akron Beacon-Journal. "... He has those interpersonal characteristics that would make him a success."
And a few other tricks up his sleeve, too, when interpersonal skills just aren't enough.
Of his forced resignation, Proenza added, "You know, if you read that report, number one, it hardly focuses on Jim and number two, just a few months after that incident, the NCAA comes out and suggests that all of us ought to give our students $2,000 a year so they wouldn't have to sell their ring? Come on!"
Thornton Melon didn't get as much support from Dean Martin at Grand Lakes University - and he donated a wing.
But … this isn't even the biggest joke on the Akron campus. That would be the Zips' football team, which boasts an offense only slightly better than Michigan State's and enters a 37-point underdog. It's a weekend to rest the injured and weary and heal up for next week's - well, second straight breather, this one against UConn.
Congratulations to Michael Spath, last week's only real loser. Thanks for taking one for the team and making the rest of us look good, Mike. This week's winner gets to use Mike's press credential for Minnesota for a family member.
Chris Balas: Remember when some were clamoring for Akron head coach Tommy Bowden as Michigan's next guy, back when he was cheat… - er, winning at Auburn?
Michigan 48, Akron 0
John Borton: Jim Tressel can't buy enough free agents to get this job done, even in his position as vice president for student success at Akron. It might be brisk enough at Michigan Stadium to even allow for a sweater vest, but the resemblance to The Cheating Decade ends there. The Wolverines roll on, and Akron get tattooed.
Michigan 56, Akron 6
Michael Spath: There has to be something more appetizing than crow when you've erred and need to take a razzing, right? How about pheasant? Or quail? I think pigeon may even be more appealing. No? Ah well. Bring it on gents.
Michigan 63, Akron 7
Tim Sullivan: This Akron team is bad. Really bad. Even a defense-optional (but not preferred) version of Michigan stomped FCS Delaware State 63-6 in 2009. This Michigan team is much better, and Akron is the worst opponent they've seen since Delaware State.
"But, but, App State" rings hollow here. This Michigan coaching staff is still building its title contender, and hasn't yet peaked (much less started stagnation/decline). They're hungry... and hopefully Michigan's backups are, as well. They should see plenty of time.
Michigan 59, Akron 3
Andy Reid: I slept in until almost 3 p.m. the day after Under The Lights II. The Wolverines are probably still tired and sluggish after that win - that's alright, because Akron is the worst team Michigan has played since Delaware State entered the Big House and redefined the word, "terrible. " Michigan could sleepwalk their way to victory.
Michigan 63, Akron 3